How to Do Shadow Work

Written by Jennifer Aldoretta, founder of Groove

If Shadow Work is the process of creating self-awareness about conscious and unconscious parts of ourselves, how exactly do we go about doing it? How do we become self-aware of things we’re not self-aware of? Feels a bit like a Catch-22.

Let’s walk through an example of Shadow Work

In my own journey towards healing and wholeness, a huge aspect of my own Shadow that I’ve had to overcome is my need to control. To control people, things, events, experiences. You name it, and I wanted to try to control it! For a long time, I believed that if I tried hard enough, if I did things just the right way, I could control the things in my life.

It was an exhausting way to live. I was always worried, always stressed, always trying to manipulate my surroundings or the people in my life. My need to control showed up in ways that I was definitely not proud of.

Once I became aware of this Shadow quality and became curious about it, I began to ask myself questions to learn about this quality. Like…

WHY do I feel the need to control?

What purpose does it serve to feel in control?

And, 

What am I REALLY afraid of?

Essentially, what we’re getting at here is: What is it that lies UNDERNEATH our Shadow qualities? What sensitive part of us is our Shadow quality trying to protect from the world? In my experience, the answer is almost always a feeling of fear or unworthiness.

For me, my need to control came from a fear of surrender, a fear of being vulnerable, a fear that something terrible might happen, a fear of losing someone or something that I dearly loved. It stemmed from an unpredictable upbringing that felt scary and lacked stability. So I taught myself to control things, trying to make my life predictable and “safe.”

Ultimately, I was doing it out of fear, and because I didn’t know a better way.

Once I realized this, I began to ask myself different questions:

What would my life be like WITHOUT this need to control?

Is trying to control things REALLY serving a purpose? In other words, are my actions actually going to keep something bad from happening? Or will there forever be circumstances in life that I cannot possibly foresee or control?

How much time and energy do I exert trying to remain in control? Does exerting energy in this way truly bring my life joy? Does it genuinely make me happier? Or does it bring worry and stress and fear and anxiety?

By spending so much time and energy trying to control things, am I allowing my life to pass me by?

By trying desperately not to experience feelings of loss in my life (which are sadly an inevitable part of being human), am I wasting valuable time and energy that I could be using to more deeply cherish what I do have?

When I look back on my life when I’m dying, will I think to myself “Man, I wish I had tried to control more stuff!” or will I regret worrying so much and not being more present for the things (and people) in my life that truly mattered?

Those are some potent questions, and they helped me to realize just how little I was actually gaining from trying to control everything.

If you want more Shadow Work prompts, you can find free ones here.

Next I began the work to unravel my need to control, starting with VERY SMALL steps.

I was so deep in my controlling behavior, I couldn’t stand it if the clothes in my closet weren’t ALL hanging in the same direction…sometimes I’d even group them by color. I became extremely anxious and agitated if there was a single dirty dish left in the kitchen sink. I was constantly trying to “help” people around me so that they would do things exactly the way that I liked to do them. Yep, it was bad. I was not an enjoyable person to be around.

But then I got curious...

What if I intentionally put all the clothes in my closet facing different directions (and didn’t sort them)? What if I intentionally let some dirty dishes build up in the sink? What if I intentionally allowed those people closest to me do things without any interference, help or guidance from me?

That’s when my thinking, “rational” mind kicked in:

But what if my closet becomes unorganized? What if this person I love does something “wrong” and then gets hurt as a result? What if I get hurt? What if the dishes don’t get cleaned? But what if? What if? WHAT IF?

Notice that this mindset is not one of living in the present moment. It’s all about worry and fear about the future.

So I did it. I mixed up my closet, I let dishes build up, and I did my best to let others do things their own way. And it was really damn uncomfortable.

I forced myself to sit with the discomfort that was created by these small changes in behavior. Although the changes may seem small and insignificant, over time, it led to massive changes. Little by little, I let go of control — I could take on bigger and bigger Shadow “challenges” and sit with greater and greater feelings of discomfort.

I also eventually realized that being around people that I perceived as “messy,” “sloppy,” or “unorganized” felt unpredictable, which triggered my feelings of fear in a big way. Triggering my urge to control. Triggering my Shadow self. 

Suddenly, I found myself with real self-awareness. Awareness I didn’t have when I started this process. And I had made major changes. I let go of so much worry and stress.

The Shadow Work rabbit hole goes deep…

This is just one example of how deep the rabbit hole of Shadow Work can go. There is a lot of detail we can get into when we do Shadow Work. For some individuals, this type of stuff is awesome — I strangely enjoyed putting all my Shadow qualities out on paper as a way to gain deeper awareness about myself.

Shadow Work is an amazing (and very popular) tool for self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-improvement.

I still do Shadow Work from time to time, but I’m in a stage of my journey where I simply allow the work to arise naturally, because my Shadow no longer rules my life. I’ve done enough diligent, thoughtful work that I no longer need to seek out my Shadow. My Shadow finds me. And find me it does! I still get triggered. I still have Shadows. I still have work to do.

But, over time, the work starts to feel more manageable. More doable. Less daunting. More natural.